Confession
by LauraNeatO
Summary: Taichi finally confesses to Chihaya. Chihaya x Taichi


**Confession**

He lay beside her, looking at her in the dark. Her pale complexion contrasted with her dark lashes, and her expression was serene. Her lips were parted and her eyes were mostly closed, the whites masked by her lashes and a slightly tilted head.

She was beautiful. He already knew this, and sometimes he wondered if he fell in love with her for her beauty, but he would always remind himself that this feeling ran deeper and longer than she ever came out from her shell. She was a magnet to him, luring him in, fascinating him and intriguing him to look at her, and to keep his eyes focused on what she, herself, sought.

There were times he knew it was hopeless, but many more times when he was filled with hope. He always wondered what he was hoping for, though. What were his intentions, after all? He loved her, but did that mean he wanted to marry her? And what about all the steps leading into marriage? What about after marriage? How would they even work their way there to begin with? How could she view him other than being a close friend?

He thought of a thousand ways to kiss her, but couldn't imagine her kissing back. He thought of a thousand adult situations with her, but couldn't imagine her thinking that way back. Would she even get naked? Did he really want to see her naked? Was it better to just imagine her in his dreams than face the real Chihaya and live with the consequences of possibly scaring her off, or losing her, or being rejected before anything could even start?

It would be the slowest relationship in the world. How funny and ironic how he knew her possibly the best of anyone besides her family, and that's what made her progress with him the slowest of anyone who wanted to become her family.

Chihaya made a small moan in her sleep and shifted so her arm touched his side. The contact stirred her slightly, and she shifted again to lie on her stomach, her arm extending to wrap around Taichi like he were her giant Daddy Bear doll.

He knew he should move, to push her arm away, but he wondered what it would be like to feign ignorance. What if he stayed here? What if he allowed himself to lie down against his pillow, snuggle himself closer so his forehead touched hers, and allow her to keep her arm wrapped around him?

The idea was so tempting that he caught himself lying down fully beside her, still allowing her arm around him. He wondered if this would be the closest he'd ever get to her. And then he wondered what it would take to cross the friendzone line.

It would never get better than this, at this rate. Chihaya was over, his parents were gone for the rest of the weekend, his sister was at a friend's house, and Chihaya had fallen asleep on his bed while taking a nap after karuta practice. They were alone, now, and together, and he would be graduating soon, and he had condoms stashed beside the bed for just-in-case. Was this a "just case"?

_I need to keep up my rational thoughts._ Taichi squeezed his eyes shut, trying to fend off the hormones. It was hard for his head to ignore what his body desired when a beautiful girl whom he loved was in his bed, the door was closed and her arm was around his waist.

Chihaya stirred again, which brought Taichi's eyes open again. For some reason, he felt incredibly vulnerable, yet the sanctuary of his bed offered him some courage. He felt like he was ready to confess everything he felt, and somehow it'd be okay. It already was a tender moment. She already trusted him to keep her safe while she slept, and there was no way he'd breach that trust. He loved her.

He wanted to tell her he loved her. The words were on his lips, caught in his throat.

His free arm reached out and gently stroked one of her bangs behind her ear. He ever so gently brushed her cheek, and before he withdrew his hand, he hesitated, and then gently stroked her cheek again. She remained asleep.

That act that could have woken her up suddenly served to frustrate him. How was it that he could express himself only as she slept? He sighed softly and then decided to not try to keep her asleep anymore. This was doing him no good. He was only longing for her more than ever, and he was still unable to have her affections.

He shifted himself closer to her, daring himself to be closer, and put an arm around her. If she woke up to this, she'd see she was just as guilty of embracing him in her sleep. When she didn't react, he shifted so close to her that he rested his chin on her forehead, closing his eyes.

He knew she was awake by that point. Her breathing had changed, and he had felt her eyes open against the top of his chest. He was sure she could hear his heart, which was already starting to beat frantically, despite his best efforts to keep calm. Her hand shifted against his back, but did not otherwise move.

There was silence. Taichi didn't know what to say, but didn't think about it lest he chicken out and call it a night too soon. And Chihaya, she said nothing, lying against Taichi on the bed as he stayed against her, sharing each other's warmth.

It was Chihaya's soft inhalation that alerted Taichi that she would speak first.

"Taichi..."

Taichi wanted to play it cool. If he panicked outwardly, Chihaya might panic, too. After all, she likely had no understanding of what was transpiring. So he answered simply, "Hmm?"

"I..." She hesitated, still not moving away from him. There was a long lingering silence, but he didn't want to push her to say anything because he didn't want this moment to end.

Chihaya started again, "How do you know... when things change?"

Taichi just looked ahead, trying to understand without asking clarification. He still felt like this moment was in a delicate balance. He thought for a short while, and responded, "I guess... when you feel things are different."

Chihaya seemed to think about this for a moment. "Do you ever feel things are different?"

Taichi closed his eyes and smiled against her forehead, "Yes."

Another pause. Then Chihaya shifted her arm that was under her so she was more comfortable, and pushed away from Taichi to prop herself up on her elbow. "What changed between you and Arata?"

Taichi, taken aback, scooted a little back upon her question, which had much more of an accusatory tone in his mind than how she actually said it. And, he wanted to back out entirely and leave the room. Suddenly, the room felt very hot, and he was conscious of how alone he was with her, and the realization of their separation hurt him inside, but he couldn't show it. Once again, though, it was Arata who came between them. It was always Arata.

Taichi made an audible sigh that came out sounding just as frustrated as he felt. He then proceeded to sit up.

"Not much," Taichi looked to the wall in front of him, "It never changed between us," Taichi shrugged as he brought his knees up.

"But you used to be friends, and now you two don't seem to be as close. You never even told me Arata was coming to Tokyo."

"I'm not friends with him," Taichi continued to speak to the wall. "I don't really think I ever was."

"But we were teammates," Chihaya sat up, looking to him, "So then what went wrong? Is it because he stopped playing karuta for a few years?"

"No," Taichi turned his head to her briefly before shrugging and looking to the wall in front again. "There are... reasons."

Taichi didn't want to continue to talk about Arata. He'd rather dismiss Chihaya from his room and from his house instead of talking about Arata. But when did he and she ever talk about him outside of playing karuta? Maybe this was a time when he could be honest with her. Could he tell her? Could he?

"What reasons?" Chihaya scooted closer, to the annoyance of Taichi. He didn't like answering these questions. This whole scenario was making him emotional, and he already was trying to calm his racing heart.

Taichi turned his head to look her in the eyes again, studying her expression. He knew what he had to tell her, to get it off his chest so that he could move on. He had daydreamed of every different way of confessing himself to her, but every time felt wrong. She didn't know who he was. She didn't understand what kind of person he had been. If she had known, or if she knew, would she still want him?

"I... have to tell you something." Taichi looked away from her briefly, but upon trying to find the breath to continue his words, his throat felt stuck. He tried to breathe, but nothing was working. He closed his eyes to concentrate, recognizing this as an onset of a panic attack, and concentrated until he could breathe again. He had to tell her. He had to tell her.

Chihaya looked on expectantly, until she realized Taichi wasn't talking, and pinged him with a short, "What?"

Taichi's legs couldn't sit still. He had to stand.

Taichi swung his legs over the bed and stood up. He walked to the window to look out to the street. He knew there would not be much of interest, but it calmed him more to look at an empty street than Chihaya propped up on his bed.

"You..." Taichi started, before stopping to reword himself. "I..." He cleared his throat, still not sure how to start, "When... we were kids..." He stopped again, allowing her to follow his train of thought. He didn't look to her, but the silence conveyed she wasn't confused, so he went on, "When I was younger, I... was selfish." He shifted to put his hands in his pockets, still looking out the window.

There was a snort, and Chihaya started to laugh behind him. The sound of her chuckles immediately irked him, and Taichi spun around, frowning angrily and with a ticking temple, "What's so funny?"

"Oh, Taichi, I knew you were selfish! You never wanted to share your toys with me when I came over."

"Th-That-!" Taichi stammered, "That isn't what this is about, you idiot!" He listened as she continued to chuckle out loud. He threw up his hands in frustration, "Just, argh, that isn't it!"

"Are you apologizing for telling me you already had a soccer ball when I got you one in 4th grade?"

"No. No, just - no!" Taichi spun around, "I don't even- How do you remember that? No, that doesn't matter, that's not it."

Chihaya's lips turned to a pout as she watched him, "Why are you so mad?"

"Because I'm trying to tell you something, and you're changing the subject."

"No I wasn't. You said you were selfish, and I just agreed with you."

Taichi's temple ticked, "I'm not selfish! I used to be selfish." He gestured to himself, "When I was a kid!"

"I know. I agreed. Why are you mad?" Chihaya frowned.

"I was jealous!" Taichi shouted, but then caught himself, realizing his voice was too loud. And then he realized what he had said, and then repeated it again, but softer, as if this time it were more appropriate, "I... was jealous."

"You were jealous?" Chihaya parroted with dazed eyes, her head cocking to the side in confusion.

"About..." Taichi started shaking his head and turning, his feet not knowing where to land in the room, "About..." He sighed frustratingly, "Augh, I don't know!" He brought his hands to his bangs and started to pull them.

"Were you jealous of _me_?" Chihaya's eyes went wide.

"No!" Taichi sighed heavily, "No."

"Were you jealous of Arata?" Chihaya tried to connect the dots.

Taichi brought his hands down and looked to her exasperatingly. He didn't reply for a while, until he looked down at his hands, and then looked to the floor as he made his way back to the bed. He sat on the edge of it, looking out, unable to face Chihaya.

When he spoke, his words sounded haunted, like the weight of the words were something he had been carrying for years, "I stole Arata's glasses."

Chihaya blinked, not understanding. "What?"

"The tournament... In 6th grade..." Taichi's hands came together to twiddle as he stared ahead.

Chihaya's eyes widened as she remembered, "You took them?"

Taichi said nothing, his eyes focusing downward.

At the lack of response, Chihaya repeated, "You took them?"

Taichi grunted before he forced out, "Yes, I took them!"

"But," Chihaya paused, "Whyyy?"

Taichi's hands tensed into fists. This was coming full-circle back to the point. "Because I didn't like Arata."

"But whyyyy?" Chihaya crawled to Taichi and tried to look up to his side.

Taichi glanced to her, then looked away, and then glanced again before looking down, then up. The frustration made its way back to his legs, and he stood up, suddenly uncomfortable without being active and moving. He wanted to busy himself as he told her this. If he concentrated on something else, maybe this wouldn't be so bad.

He picked up a few items to reorganize, walking across the room, finally replying, "I don't know."

"That makes no sense, Taichi. You're the smartest guy I know," Chihaya shifted so she was sitting on the side of the bed, her feet on the floor. "You'd have to have some reason for it."

Taichi stopped, a surge of anger overcoming him when he thought of all of the reasons, "Because...!" He was going to shout it out, but restrained himself. He didn't like the person he became when he thought of Arata. "Because he had everything without ever trying."

"What do you mean?" Chihaya blinked, "I thought you're good at everything and you hardly try at it. What's wrong with that?"

"That's not it," Taichi felt like there was no way around this topic. "It was... about... you," he said lamely.

"Huh?" Chihaya blinked.

"I knew you since I was 7 years old, and I pinned you as my friend, and then he comes in five years after you and I knew each other, and not only steals you away, but you started taking his side!" Taichi's eyes were on hers. "And then he got you into karuta, which is the last thing in the world I wanted to play because I wasn't good at it!" Taichi stood tall, "And do you know what it meant for me? I had to do a tournament with my mother filming it for my father, and your eyes were on Arata the whole time, and never on me! And my mother never let me forget it, telling me to give it up and drop karuta completely!"

"But... you didn't..." Chihaya watched, swallowing because she wasn't sure how to deal with Taichi being upset. "You... you joined our karuta team..."

"I did it because you were playing it." Taichi looked to the side, his right hand stroking back his hair and settling on the back of his neck.

Chihaya felt affronted. "What?"

"It didn't matter what you played, Chihaya. I would have played anything you played. Shogi, tennis, ping pong, you name it. I would have followed you in any direction to try to stay close to you while Arata was around."

"What do you mean?" Something hurt deep down, but Chihaya didn't understand what it could be.

"What I'm trying to say is..." Taichi's eyes met hers for a moment, before he looked away, blushing. His hand was still scratching the back of his neck, "I... had a crush on you."

"And that was the reason you played karuta?" Somehow, Taichi's confession didn't register with Chihaya nearly as much as the sadness that was creeping up on her, "You played karuta only because I played it?"

"I told you, it didn't matter what you were playing." Taichi still looked away from her, blushing. "But I was jealous because all Arata did was show up and show you karuta, and your eyes only ever fell on him..." Taichi paused, the blush receding as his voice softened and he said wistfully to the side, "Your eyes were always on him..."

"He loved karuta," Chihaya felt her arms trembling slightly, though she didn't feel cold. "He loved karuta, and he showed me karuta, and I fell in love with karuta." Chihaya's voice started to tremble, "I love karuta..." Her voice hitched.

Taichi turned to look at her, immediately noticing the downturn in her mood. "Chihaya? What's wrong?"

"You... you only used karuta!" Chihaya's voice trembled as she brought her right hand to wipe wetness from her eyes.

Taichi rushed to the bed and kneeled, putting his hands on her arms, "No, you don't understand."

"No, I do understand!" Chihaya sniffled, her eyes wet with sadness and betrayal. "You never loved karuta at all."

"That's not true!" Taichi's emotions surged, "It's different now!"

"You hate karuta..."

"Argh, Chihaya, don't put words in my mouth!" Taichi's temple ticked, though he restrained himself as he gently shook her arms, "I really like karuta."

"But you just said-"

"- I know what I just said!" Taichi cut her off, determined for her to understand him. "But things are different now. Yes, I played karuta in middle school because I was better than most of the boys in my school, but I also associated it with you. I knew karuta was something that could bring me back to you, like how you knew it would reunite you with Arata."

Chihaya wiped her eyes and looked to him, sniffing.

"And then when I came to high school, I played it because you played it and... you... I..." Taichi wasn't sure where to go with his words.

"You played it because I made you," Chihaya looked down to him, still sniffing softly. "Because I won the bet."

"I would have played with you anyway," Taichi looked in her eyes, seriously. "I was a goner the moment I learned you went to my school."

"How can that be?" Chihaya looked to him, confused now. "I know you wanted to play soccer."

"I..." Taichi hesitated, "... don't think you understood what I said before." He looked her in the eyes still, "I used to really like you for years."

Chihaya's eyebrows turned up in a frown, connecting the dots.

"I had a crush on you. I crushed on you hard. I didn't even realize how much I liked you until Arata came, and I got so jealous over you."

Chihaya blinked.

Taichi's hands slowly ran down Chihaya's arms until he took her hands in his. Chihaya looked down at their hands, slightly bewildered.

Taichi inhaled, and let out a solemn and heartfelt confession, "I never got over you."

Chihaya looked to his eyes, her mouth closed, eyes wide and confused.

"I still never got over you." Taichi squeezed her hands slightly, letting the words sink in slightly. "I don't think I can get over you."

"What do you mean?" Chihaya said meekly, her eyes wide.

Taichi opened his mouth as if to say something, but then closed it. To Chihaya, it looked like he was fighting back words, fighting some kind of internal battle.

Chihaya knew she was not as smart as a lot of people, and she was a karuta idiot, almost always thinking about swings and strokes and poems... But she wasn't dumb. The look in Taichi's eyes was evident. She knew what he was trying to say.

And then she remembered when Arata said the same thing, and her heart began to race and her face flushed, "Oh!" She tore her hands away to cover her mouth, her eyes wide again as she almost choked on her own breath, "Oh!"

She stood up, unintentionally pushing Taichi back, her hands still over her mouth. She tried to take a step to the side, but the room started spinning. Her knees went weak as she let out another "Oh!" and almost collapsed. Taichi was quick to catch her, shouting her name, and then anchored her back on the bed.

"Chihaya!" Taichi scolded, "Be careful!"

"Taichi!" Chihaya felt her whole body quiver with intense heat and confusion. "I don't understand!" She realized, as she said it, that she did, in fact, understand, but she couldn't even control her words in her delirium, "I don't understand!"

"It's okay," Taichi tried to calm her.

"Taichi!" Chihaya's eyes welled up, unsure of how to deal with this realization. Taichi confessed to her, but Arata confessed to her, so now BOTH of her childhood friends loved her, and she couldn't have both! Taichi just told Chihaya he didn't like Arata, and if she were to date Arata, would Taichi tolerate it? Would she hurt him? She didn't want to hurt Taichi! She didn't want to hurt anyone, but especially Taichi! He was her childhood friend! He was her closest friend, longest friend. He knew her the best of everyone, but she didn't know him at all! She had no idea of his feelings!

Chihaya's world was reeling with the realization _All this time. All this time, he's felt this way! All this time! _

She couldn't help it as her tears started to flow in her desperation. She started wailing, not knowing how to express herself, and not knowing what to do. She wanted to get out of there, but if she left now, she'd hurt Taichi. She wanted to call Arata, but that would hurt Taichi. She wanted to find solace, but that would mean asking Taichi for comfort, and she was already hurting him! One look in his pained eyes, and she knew that she was hurting him, and it hurt her even more.

"Taichi..." Chihaya broke down in tears.

Taichi swallowed as her sadness resonated within him. All this time, he had wanted to tell her, and now that he finally did, she understood... Yet, she was crying. He had decimated her, and it was all his fault. What started off as such a wonderful moment was simply just a passing dream.

"I know..." His voice broke as his eyes became glossy, "I know you love Arata."

It was the last thing Chihaya wanted to hear him say. That sentence alone resonated in her so hard that whatever structure she still had simply crumbled away. She broke down and wailed into her hands, because it was true. She did love Arata. She loved Arata, and she never thought to work her feelings out about Taichi. She was a terrible person. She had no idea, and she neglected her best friend who was faithful to her throughout everything.

"D... Does Arata know about the glasses?" Chihaya sniffed.

"He does." Taichi swallowed.

"When did you tell him?"

"The next day."

Chihaya looked to him with her wet eyes, "And all this time, you both knew, but didn't tell me?"

"I asked him not to tell you," Taichi wiped his eyes, "So don't blame him."

Chihaya waited a moment before asking slowly, "Does he know you l.. l-like me?"

Taichi smiled with a huff of breath, looking down. "Yes."

"All of this time?" Chihaya's voice rose in pitch at the end, as if in disbelief.

"Yes."

Chihaya slid off the bed, causing Taichi to shift back as she joined him on the floor. She said nothing as she took his hands again, looking to them sadly. "I feel like... I missed a whole part of your life."

Taichi's breath caught in his throat as he watched her absently playing with his hands.

Chihaya looked up to him, "Don't... leave me out again."

He bit his lip.

"I..." Chihaya hesitated, not knowing the right words. "I don't know how I feel... but..." She swallowed, again, "I'm glad." She smiled supportively while sniffing, "I'm glad I finally know."

Taichi's lips turned up in a small smile as well. "Well, you were always kinda slow."

"What!" Chihaya pushed Taichi back, "That's mean!"

Taichi laughed, but grabbed her as he fell back and they almost came crashing down together until Taichi caught himself with his hand. Chihaya had half fallen over him, but realized how close they were when she looked up to his face.

Chihaya immediately blushed and made to push herself off, but Taichi stopped her, "It's okay."

Chihaya hesitated, looking at him.

"I'm still Taichi," he half-grinned to her, rustling her hair a bit in the back.

Chihaya realized he was right. Yes, they were close, but it was no closer than they had been in the past. If she scrambled backward right now, it would look like she were trying to avoid him, and that's not how she felt at all. She didn't know how she felt, but she did know that among her tumultuous feelings, she did not feel any rejection for him. If anything, it felt more like the opposite; her affections for him tore at her, and her entire being was in an upset.

Finding herself once again struggling to hold back watery eyes, she realized that, what she needed, more than anything, was comfort. And nobody comforted her more than Taichi.

"I..." She closed her eyes and leaned against him, her arms coming down to his sides as they kneeled on the floor, "Could you... just hold me for a little bit?"

Taichi's eyes softened and he brought his arms around her back to pull her in for a strong embrace. They sat like that for a while, Chihaya leaning against him with her eyes closed as he comforted her.

Chihaya spoke first, softly, "I love you."

Taichi leaned his head against the side of hers, and replied softly, "I love you."

"I love Arata, too." Chihaya tensed a little, knowing it might hurt him.

"I don't." Taichi huffed, smiling slightly, "But he's not a bad guy."

"I love both of you," Chihaya sniffed.

"You love me more." Taichi figured he'd throw in the quip, if even to jump-start her toward thinking of him.

Chihaya gave a half-wistful smile, relishing the comfort of Taichi's arms. Her best friend. Her longest friend, who loved her all this time. Her teammate, her partner, and her comfort. He was the calm to her as Arata was the fire. She would always love Arata, though, for what he symbolized to her, and how he introduced her to her love of karuta. But Taichi... there was never a moment in her mind when she ever wanted to let go. Arata, she was able to accept being away from... But in middle school, the person she yearned for more than anything, and made her feel lonely because he wasn't there... Did that emptiness without Taichi count as love? Did that yearning for him during her Kyoto trip count as needing him? Yes, Arata was the water and the depths of all the oceans of karuta knowledge, but Taichi was the wind that billowed her sails forward. Was there really a way to compare them? Did she really love Taichi more?

"I think..." Chihaya rested against him, "I do."

Exhaustion overcame Chihaya as she further leaned into his embrace. All of the excitement abandoned her, and she suddenly felt overwhelmingly sleepy. She must have begun to nod off because she soon found Taichi catching her as if she were falling, and he helped to escort her back onto the bed.

She lay down on his bed while he kneeled beside it, watching her. She lazily looked at him and languidly ran her right hand fingers through his hair. He said nothing, letting her play with his hair as he looked content by her side.

"I do know one thing," Chihaya said wistfully.

Taichi just watched her.

"It doesn't matter who I love more, you know..." Chihaya brought her hand down to his and closed her eyes. "Because you've been my teammate all along..." she yawned, "You're my favorite."

He brought his lips tightly together as he watched her with a half-smile, "You're my favorite, too."

"Mmm... more than Arata?" She yawned again, her eyes still closed.

"Definitely more than Arata."

She chuckled in her tiredness and then tiredly lifted her arm to gesture toward an embrace. "Come here..."

He was tempted. But he also knew the time, and he knew she should probably want to get going soon. "I can't."

"Come here..."

That was it. That was the end of his resistance, because there was no way he could turn her down again.

He scooted next to her on the bed and embraced her as she started to doze off. It was a hundred thousands times better than ever, being able to purposely hold her close while she found comfort in it. He never would have thought that they could have come full circle like this in just one night, but they did.

And he held her close for the rest of the night.


End file.
